For B

Time moves both slow and fast

Just yesterday you rested on my chest, your entire body so tiny that your feet didn’t reach my waist

I watched your chest rise and fall while you slept, listening to each measured breath, intoxicated by your sweet baby scent

Now I watch, a bystander on the sidelines or immersed in your life but only when you extend an invitation

Your priorities are shifting

“Mom” replaces “mommy” and mom is slipping from #1 to #2 to #3 then #4 behind friends, boys (gasp), and your extracurricular pursuits

There is much less cuddling and snuggling

I barely catch a glimpse of your beautiful smile anymore

For your smiles have been replaced by heavy sighs, groans, and grimaces whenever I simply call your name

My very existence seems to irritate you

As soon as you get home, you head to your room and promptly close the door, eager to chat with friends and complete your homework assignments

You have no time to share your day with me

My attempts at conversation are met with, “Mom, I gotta finish ….” and you rattle off a list of tasks

My roles are many – chauffeur, chef, housekeeper, financier, but as mom, not so much these days

I see you wrestle with self-image and self-esteem, grades, girl drama

And puberty – oh how I dread it

Your hormones are raging, your body is changing

I. Just. Can’t!

I’m not ready but change is inevitable

So, I watch. I wait. And, I pray.

This beautifully chaotic dance that heralds the onset of adolescence has begun,

but now I must let you take the lead though only sometimes which frustrates you

My heart breaks and swells with joy simultaneously

For you are my little big girl

No longer my baby, though not yet grown –

Awkwardly in between